Pink lipped smiles, rosy cheeks, high cheekbones. Long eyelashes, shimmery lids, thick and full eyebrows. Beautiful. That’s what my Instagram followers tell me, at least.

Splotchy skin, acne, big nose, thin and blonde eyebrows. Short and unfeminine eyelashes, dark circles, and chapped lips. Fake. That’s what my brother calls me, at least.

On average, I spend at least 20 minutes each school day to put on what I would consider “everyday makeup.” I sacrifice cute outfits and pretty hair for what I would consider a socially acceptable face. Some days I spend well over an hour on my makeup alone. When people ask me why, I usually respond with, “It’s because I love to do it,” which, don’t get me wrong, I do. But the real reason is because I’m scared.

I’m scared out of my mind of what people think of the way I look. I’m scared to go anywhere without makeup on because of how I perceive myself without it. Without makeup on, I don’t feel like me, but to other people, I am not myself with all of that caked on my face.

Some days, I want to just say, “What the hell?” and go to school without it. But the second I think that, I force myself out of bed so that I have time to do it.

I’m scared, no scratch that: terrified, of myself.